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How to Say the Right Thing at a Funeral
Kevin Bean • July 21, 2024
First, take a deep breath and relax. We all worry that we’ll say the wrong thing.
Second, know that you don’t have to be eloquent. While we wish it were so, you can’t make everything all better with a few words.
Here are a few simple ideas to keep in mind to be sure you say the right thing when attending a funeral.
Don’t underestimate the power of your presence.
It’s important. Just being there says more than you can know.
Keep your words simple.
“I’m sorry for your loss” may be all that is needed.
Share your story.
If you have a brief anecdote about how you interacted with the deceased, share it. Knowing how her sister lit up her workplace may just be the most comforting thing a mourner can hear.
Use the deceased person’s name.
“Mary always made me laugh.” “John had the longest drive, too bad it wasn’t always straight.” “We always knew when Big Bad Byron was in the plant, everyone was on their toes.” “Nobody made better chocolate chip cookies than your mother.”
Avoid using common platitudes.
Resist the temptation to tell the bereaved how they must feel -- “grateful that he is in a better place,” “relieved that his suffering is over,” “grateful for a long life,” etc.
We don’t know how that wife, husband, mother, son, or daughter actually feels. Just say you’re sorry for their loss.
Let them tell you how they feel and accept it with a nod or hug.
Don’t forget about listening.
Listen to understand, not just to hear. Listen to show you care, not to judge. Listen with love, even when you’ve heard the story before.
Two decades back, roughly a quarter of the families I assisted opted for cremation. Now, that figure hovers around fifty percent. The Cremation Association of North America indicates that, across the country, cremation is now the choice in almost 60% of cases. This evolution mirrors a broader transformation in how we view death and memorialization. Increasingly, families are discovering that cremation suits their needs, whether driven by environmental concerns, budgetary constraints, the desire for more flexible memorial options, or just their own personal choices. Yet, this rise in popularity has also sparked a number of questions. Many families, when faced with cremation for the first time, find themselves uncertain about the specifics. They seek clarity on the procedure, the timeframe, and how to guarantee their loved one's respectful treatment throughout. These are entirely reasonable concerns, and I'm pleased to see families seeking answers. Allow me to share insights gleaned from my forty years in this field.
Last month, I helped a family plan a service for a man whose greatest passion was fishing. Instead of traditional flower arrangements, we placed tackle boxes on every table. The guest book was a fishing journal where people shared their favorite memories of trips with him. His grandsons wore their fishing vests as they spoke about what Grandpa taught them on the lake. It was perfect—because it was him. That's what a celebration of life can be when it's guided by someone trained to capture who a person really was. And increasingly, that "someone" is a certified celebrant. If you've never heard that term, you're not alone. When families come to us at Bean Funeral Homes, many don't realize this option exists. But once they understand what a celebrant does, they often find it's exactly what they've been looking for.
First, understand that what you wear to the funeral is much less important than actually going to the funeral or gathering. Don’t underestimate the value of your presence.
Today, there was a funeral. People cried. Tissues were crumpled and left on the tables. Flower petals fell to the floor. Now, the cleaning staff is making things tidy for the family who will be here tomorrow.
Experience heartfelt and dignified departures with our transformative and comforting cremation services in Bean Funeral Homes & Cremation Services, Inc.
Honor your loved one with dignity. Our trusted funeral home services provide compassionate support and meaningful farewells with care and respect.
Honor your loved ones with heartfelt cremation and memorial events. Celebrate their life with meaningful gatherings and cherished memories.
Find comfort in our compassionate funeral services. We guide you with care, ensuring a heartfelt farewell that honors your loved one's memory.
